During my first pregnancy back in 2012 I began writing a pregnancy journal. Once a week I would chart my symptoms and write in detail about the emotional changes I was living through.
Expressing the sheer demonstrative poignancy of a pregnancy that I never truly believed I would encounter. For me, it was a way to process the magnitude of what I was going through.
The changes to my body which initially I struggled to come to terms with, the fear that I would be a terrible mother or that I would somehow fail this perfect little person that I was bringing into the world. I would write about my nausea, exhaustion and every twinge I felt.
At 17 weeks I can recall sitting in my car listening to very loud music and feeling what can only be described as a fizzing sensation or as some call it ‘butterflies’. If I had not immortalised that very moment in written form, I am not entirely sure I would have maintained such a distinct memory of it.
These small and yet hugely significant moments were the times I would reach for a pen and start writing, to capture every magical moment and to ensure that I never forgot them.
What initially began as a pregnancy journal, evolved along with my pregnancy into something so much deeper and more profoundly meaningful. My weekly diary notes would be addressed ‘dear bubs’ and I addressed each journal as if I was speaking with my daughter. I would tell her about the day to day things that her Daddy and I had been up to, no matter how mundane. Something so simple as purchasing a new outfit for her or the details of a monthly visit to the midwife and the magic of listening to her whooshing heartbeat on the dopler. If I could have that time again I would record those soothing and hypnotic beats and fall asleep to them every night.
Sometimes I didn’t have a huge amount to tell her for the week and I’d write about my day at work, for instance the day I sat and cried uncontrollably in the toilets on my lunch break because I’d had a crap morning and my hormones had well and truly gotten the better of me.
I promise to love you, to support you and to teach you self-worth and for you to know that for every day I walk this earth I will love you unconditionally……
Love Mummy x
Speaking as a now mum of two to a seven-year old and a three-year old, pregnancy and birth -feels very much like a distant memory and yet at the same time it feels like I only experienced it yesterday.
As I near my last year in my thirties, I realise I haven’t heroically changed the world, I haven’t found a cure for world peace or set the world alight with a life changing invention, nor will I ever cure some of the unspeakable evil that is out there.
But for me, carrying two children, growing two humans and birthing those baby’s into this world is by far the most astounding and wonderful achievement of my life.
I feel therefore, that it’s worthy of authenticating and recording every detail so that at times when I’m feeling a little underwhelmed, I can look back and say that yes, my Journey into motherhood was epic, I experienced a pregnancy and the total abandonment of my body to a strange and perfect little person that grew inside of me and the heroic force that was in place, knowing I would have sacrificed my life without a second thoughtto ensure their safe arrival into the world.
I think that’s the sort of stuff I may want to read about one day and to remember every detail with perfect clarity as I look back at my written notes, even if my only audience is myself or my child.
Maybe one day when she’s’ grown up, maybe expecting her first child I’ll show her the letters, maybe I’ll show them to her when she’s’ ten, who knows…..
But whenever that day comes, I will look forward to showing her just how loved she is and was from the very beginning, how precious, cherished and valued the tiny baby growing inside of me was and how much she impacted my life in such a positive life affirming way.
When my daughter was born, I was born and for me, my life only truly began to have a real sense of purpose and meaning when I heard her cries for the very first time and we were connected, bonded for life as mother and daughter.
The magnitude of love is indescribable and as mothers we are heroines to our children every day.
Pick up a pen mummy’s to be and start writing your memoirs today. You’ll want to look back at them one day and read the heroic story of your life because you’re going to be a goddam superhero.